mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
