hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
