What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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