Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
