Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
