my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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