is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
