This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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