was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
