he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
