he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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