I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
