I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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