Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
