Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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