WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
