Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
