I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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