East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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