what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
