you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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