in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
