he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
