i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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