Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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