All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
