You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
