Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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