just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
