I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
