3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
