four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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