Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
