sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Alive.
So much puke
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
