sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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