My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
