I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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