Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
