he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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