I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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