he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
