my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
