PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
