Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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