my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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