my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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