I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
