Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
