I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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