i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
