Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just threw up on my dentist
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
